This is the fifth edition of the column, which is a blatant rip-off of (1) Pat Forde's "40 Yard Dash" column that he pens during the college football season. (He also does a college basketball one, but it is his pigskin one that coaches, players and fans anxiously wait for each week.) Of course, our version comes with a twist. Instead of 40 things pertaining to college football (Forde's runs the gamut from coaches and players to cheerleaders and college bars), ours is 22 things pertaining to...well, whatever is on our mind at the time. As for the name of the column? It honors (2) Andrew Toney, the single greatest under-6'4"-offensive-threat in history of the NBA. Today we will tie up various (and numerous) loose ends, as well as detail a fascinating story of (3) The Mayor nearly getting kicked out of a youth soccer game. (Do tell. Do tell.)
We already talked about watching Roy Halladay's no hitter with our son. While listening to the (4) Tony Bruno Show (via a podcast) the next morning on the elliptical, we heard an absolutely classic joke.
Q: Who is the one Philly player to have more no-hit games than Doc Halladay?
A: (5) Asante Samuel of the Eagles. (Of course, the joke would have been just as funny if you substituted (6) Greg Dobbs' name. 
You know about last Saturday's 1-zip loss in soccer for (7) The Fire. When we put (8) The Playmaker to bed that night, something downright awesome happened. As we were leaving his room (to go watch four hours of Saturday night college football, including highlights of Oklahoma's win over (9) texASS), he called us back into his room. "I have one more thing to say," he announced. We were fearful it was going to be something like an apology for allowing the game winning goal. Instead, he sat up and bed with a huge grin and ... wait for it ... flashed us the (10) upside down hook 'em horns sign. For the clueless, that's OU's way of saying Eff You! to loser texASS people.
Speaking of clueless, we will throw ourselves on that list, as we lasted a whopping total of one week in this year's (11) Brent Suicide Pool. We got knocked out last week when the (12)Bastard Colts decided to sheeet the bed at Jacksonville. Having watched the utterly mediocre Eagles go on the road absolutely pistol-whip the woeful Jags the week before, we were confident the Dolts would do the same. After those A-holes cost us the (12) Fantasy Football Championship last season by resting (13) Dallas Clark, we hate that team more than anything else trivial in our life. If (14) Bill Polian came to our front door, we would seriously (15) punch him in the face as hard as we humanly could.
Now on to the main course. For the first time all season, The Fire (16) won a soccer game. We rolled up on a team at home, by a 4-1 margin. Less than two minutes into the game, (17) The Head Ball Coach watched in horror as The Playmaker had a clear breakaway to the net. As he got about 12 feet from the goal, some punk from the other team blatantly tripped him from behind. We waited for ref to blow his whistle and give The Playmaker a penalty kick. We're still waiting. As the goalie scooped up the loose ball (hard to shoot on goal when an a-hole trips you) we (18) screamed as loud as we possibly could, "Where's the call?!?" (And we did so while striking the (19) Rick "Table for two" Pitino arms spread-out-wide pose.) Then the ref blew his whistle. He jogged over to us and said, "Coach, one more outburst like that and you'll be sitting in the parking lot." To that we responded (not so loud, but loud enough for him to hear), (20) "Do your job and make the call." He said nothing and jogged away. So that was one goal The Playmaker got robbed on. He came thisclose to two more goals on top of that. He pulled up from about 10 feet and rifled one, only to miss the net by about two inches. (Seriously, two.) Then, with about 3 minutes left in the game, there was a pile up in front of the net (such is life with 8 year olds, even on the travel team circuit), The Playmaker was down (as in knocked down) on the field when the ball trickled over to him. While remaining down, he attempted a shot with his left foot. Alas, the ball hit the frigging post. Ugh. Still, we got (21) The Win to improve to 1-4.
That's it for now. Thanks to (22) Christopher Columbus, most of you probably aren't working today. Enjoy the day off.
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